Monday, September 19, 2005

a bit off the normal post, but important to me...

No, I’m not starting to get preachy in my posts, but I wanted to share what has been going on with me…

This has been a really hard week for me and I wasn’t exactly sure why until the Sunday church service. Last week we got the news that a member of our church had passed away. The shocking part of this was that she was very young and this was really unexpected. I barely knew her and I hate to admit this, but I at first had the wrong person pictured in my head, but I was still feeling a great amount of grief all week. Some of my emotions were related to the fact that she had three young children, but I was still very confused about the depth of my feelings.

During Sunday service I had what could only be described as a revelation or in simpler terms…the light bulb over my head finally turned on. I wasn’t feeling grief as much as I was feeling fear…irrational, overwhelming mind stopping fear. This may sound strange due to the circumstances but the fragility of life was cloaking my thoughts in darkness. The darkness was a result of the proof that no matter how much we hate to think about it, death happens. I started to fear for my family. I was having trouble sleeping & getting to sleep at night. I would lie in my bed at night and thoughts would race through my head…someone breaking in & harming myself or my daughter, something happening to my husband coming home late from work, something happening to my brother when he was out late at night, something happening to my mother when she was home alone, something happening to my dad working downtown, and on & on until I would finally fall into an exhausted interrupted sleep. Prayer helped slightly, but I would spend hours praying for the safety of my family, not listening for a response or letting Jesus comfort me, so I would fall into this exhausted sleep fearing mortality. Irrational fear was taking over my life and I wasn’t asking for help.

Sunday service was about grief & the gift of comfort that Jesus provided for us. The passage that opened my eyes & released my heart was:
John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
The irrational fear was lifted. I opened my heart & let the peace come. I’m not saying that I have become without fear, but I’m not allowing the irrational fear to run my life anymore. For the first time in a week I was able to sleep a full, uninterrupted night. The unexpected happens, life happens but I now have the knowledge that Jesus is my comfort & has left his gift of peace for me to treasure & hold close.

Why did this one simple passage help? Finally, I opened my eyes, ears & heart and allowed Jesus to fill me with his awesome gift of peace. Will I still have moments of panic? Probably. Will I have a better understanding of how to deal with it? Most likely. Will I now know when to ask for help? Definitely.

That’s all I have to say on that subject for now, will get back to my normal posts tomorrow :)



Anonymous said...

You doing alright?

Barb said...

I'm great :)

Belinda said...

That was a really powerful post. It's funny because I feel no faith anymore or belief in Jesus or God, but almost everyday there is a reference made about one or both of them. Today I've had 3 moments I guess you could call them.

hmmm just thought I'd share.

Barb said...

Bel -

Intersting...that's all I can say.

Well, Ok...sometimes you should pay attention to the moments :)

That's all...